Good evening. I welcome you to the third
and final of the 2016 presidential debates.
We either have a country, or we don't.
Rounding up people who are undocumented...
We have some bad hombres here.
...is an idea that is not in keeping
- with who we are as a nation. - I tell it like it is.
I'm happy to compare my 30 years of experience...
The one thing you have
over me is experience, but it's bad experience.
We are going to make America great again,
and it has to start now.
I hope you will give me a chance
to serve as your president.
Donald Trump told the American people
the truth tonight, as he always does.
Hillary Clinton is the real outsider.
Look, whatever you think you saw tonight...
You didn't. You actually saw what I saw,
and I think that the American people...
Would agree with me.
As long as I say it repeatedly, doggedly...
And with unearned confidence.
I lie.
I am lying to you.
And you know I lie.
I'm actually in this position
because of how effectively I lie to you.
Are we clear?
We call this the spin room, without shame.
Spinning is something you do to disorient people.
And you all know that, and yet here we are.
What a wonderful play we're putting on.
Thank you all so much.
And fuck you, America.
I look forward to lying to you in the future.
See you at the bar.
Thank you.
Shockwaves across America.
His surprise victory
defied preelection polling.
Tectonic-plate-shifting,
9.5 on the Richter scale earthquake.
So that's just a snapshot
of the reaction we're getting this morning.
And we're still trying to get
our good old pal Gary Zimmer to talk to us.
He's probably halfway to Canada by now.
Yeah, maybe halfway to Canadian Club.
I'd love to ask this guy what the hell he was thinking.
How did they blow this election?
Hey, guys, did you find the clip?
You got it? Okay.
This is our good friend Gary Zimmer,
grand old consigliere of the Clinton campaign,
not even a week ago on this program.
So, you're confident?
Oh, no question.
Hillary's made her case.
She is the most qualified presidential candidate,
certainly in my lifetime, maybe ever.
Donald Trump will not be president.
Well, he is doing well in the South,
so maybe he can be president of the Confederacy.
But Ohio, Michigan, Pennsylvania.
Mika, he's not winning Pennsylvania.
He's not winning Michigan.
That rust belt blue wall is impenetrable. It holds.
I guarantee.
Well, you decided to spend
almost no time there campaigning.
Was that a Carville impression?
All right, so wait a minute.
- Tommy, try Gary again. - Google, off.
Okay, we have Faith Brewster on the line...
Hey, Google, off.
Sorry. Power controls is not yet supported.
Phone lady, decline.
- Try asking again in a different way. - Ugh.
Hang up. Hey, Google, tell phone lady to hang up.
Sorry, I'm not sure how to help with that yet.
- Off, off! - Sorry, I'm still not sure about that.
Hey, Google, disengage.
- Songs aren't available on SiriusXM. - Abort.
- I'm not sure about that. - Everybody, shut up!
Try asking again in a different way.
("Still the Same" by Bob Segerpl
♪ You always won ♪
♪ Every time you placed a bet ♪
♪ You're still damn good ♪
♪ No one's gotten to you yet ♪
♪ Every time ♪
♪ They were sure they had you caught ♪
♪ You were quicker than they thought ♪
♪ You'd just turn your back and walk ♪
♪ And you're still the same ♪
♪ I caught up with you yesterday ♪
♪ Still the same, still the same ♪
♪ Moving game to game ♪
♪ No one standing in your way ♪
♪ Turning on the charm long enough ♪
♪ To get you by ♪
♪ Still the same ♪
♪ You're still the same ♪
♪ You still aim high ♪
♪ Still the same, still the same ♪
♪ Still the same, still the same. ♪
♪ There's been a load of compromisin' ♪
♪ On the road to my horizon ♪
♪ But I'm gonna be where the lights ♪
♪ Are shinin' on me ♪
♪ Like a rhinestone cowboy ♪
♪ Riding out on a horse in a star-spangled rodeo ♪
♪ Like a rhinestone cowboy ♪
♪ Getting cards and letters from people I don't even know ♪
♪ And offers comin' over the phone. ♪
So, if there is no further discussion,
can I get a motion to vote on Resolution 1217,
requiring a valid Wisconsin driver's license
or proof of U.S. citizenship to qualify
for any state or municipality program or benefit,
such as food stamps, welfare and so on and so forth.
So moved.
- Second? - Second.
I have a second. It is time...
- Excuse me, fellas. - Jack, I already told you,
you can widen that easement on Hamburg...
Um, actually, it's about
that resolution you're thinking about passing.
With all due respect, Colonel, that discussion has ended.
Yeah, yeah. So I heard.
But, uh...
the thing is that, um...
it's a bad idea.
- Y-You can't... - Uh, okay, well,
I already seconded, but whatever.
I know we're in a bad spot, but...
you can't bring it back
by throwing these people under the bus.
Whoa, we're not throwing anybody under anything, Jack.
Money was tight
when the base was still open, but now...
I mean, we just got to be smart.
We got to eliminate cheating the programs.
There's not a damn soul using those programs
that doesn't need 'em, and you know it.
And all they need to do is produce the acceptable I.D.,
and the benefits will be...
And you know they can't do that.
Well... I don't make the rules, Jack.
I mean, I do, I guess.
Not by myself, but... this is over.
Okay, we have a motion that has been seconded.
It is time to bring it to a vote.
Uh, you know, uh, just curious...
you know, when the river backed up
and the folks you think might be cheating
stood shoulder to shoulder with us
stuffing sandbags for three days straight,
ended up saving your store, you check their I.D.'s then?
Discussion's closed, Jack.
You checking I.D.'s when they're bringing food
to the church potlucks, Walt?
Enough, Jack.
You had your say.
Look, we got rules here,
but that don't make us bad people.
I'm not saying you're a bad person, Billy.
I'm saying you're scared.
Hell, we all are.
Damn town went from 15,000 to five overnight,
and business went with it.
We're not bringing it back by... by turning on each other.
Corps taught me the chain's
only as strong as its weakest link.
And Father Heuvel here
taught me that I am my brother's keeper.
Wait. Go back to that "weak link" part.
Whatever you do for the least of us, you do for the Lord.
Yeah, okay. Yeah.
I mean, could this guy work?
Corps taught me the chain's
only as strong as its weakest link.
Hmm. Pretty good.
- Mm-hmm. - And Father Heuvel here
taught me that I am my brother's keeper.
Whatever you do for the least of us, you do for the Lord.
Looks conservative, sounds progressive.
- Mm-hmm. - The point is,
it's easy to be strong of character in the good times.
The test is the bad times.
If you can't live your principles then, well...
I guess they aren't principles; they're just hobbies.
Where is this again?
Wisconsin.
Deerlaken.
- Deerlaken. - Mm-hmm.
Gentlemen...
this square-jawed paragon of Americana
is our goddamn key back into the forbidden city.
- Well, that's my stop. - Sit. Kurt, sit.
- Call me when he gets to the point. - Nope.
You're not going anywhere. No, sit.
And we have Alan to thank
for bringing this man to our attention.
- It's Evan. - Did I happen to mention that
he is a veteran of the United States Marine Corps?
- Yes. - And a farmer.
- Um... you did. - I believe so.
And did I happen to mention that he's a widower?
- Impressive. - All right. Well done.
A man who makes Joe the Plumber
look like Dukakis in mom jeans
and a fucking Easter bonnet...
in the reddest of counties
- in the great now swing state of Wisconsin... - Mm-hmm.
...is...
...a Democrat.
Uh, he's a Democrat?
Yeah.
He just doesn't know it yet.
Well, here's the idea: I get on a plane,
and I go to Wisconsin, and I use this guy
to road-test a more rural-friendly message.
It's a mayoral race... in the middle of nowhere.
Uh, I don't get how this helps us.
There are two million rural votes in these states alone.
If we lost them 2.7 to one instead of three to one,
we'd win, but we didn't even try.
Their base turned out. Ours didn't.
If we find a candidate to activate our base...
if our African Americans
and Latino communities...
It's just "Latino."
...show up, we win.
We have to get the rural voters back into the tent,
even just a little bit.
Well, if it's all the same to you,
I'll stick with pandering
to our special-interest groups, thank you very much.
Sí, se puede. Sí, se puede.
- Sí, se... - I like the idea of expanding our base.
Not taking any voter for granted.
It does have some merit.
Good morning. Gary Zimmer's office.
Okay, so we'll make sure
a car comes here and picks you up,
- and we'll make sure the driver is Frank. - Okay.
Um, it's a two-hour flight,
but you'll gain an hour when you get there.
- What is that? - The 7 Series.
It was the closest thing they had to your Tesla, but...
Just take a Sharpie, and write "liberal city douchebag"
on my forehead, okay?
- Come on, guys. - Yeah.
Um, Accord?
I'm traveling to America.
Explorer, neutral color.
And pack me like a conference.
Davos? TED?
Aspen, weekend package.
- Thank you. - Great.
Oh, and, guys, you know what?
Keep it simple.
Simple. No frills.
- Thank you. - Got it. - Sure.
Great.
Although, if the Explorer has a-a Bose
or a Bang & Olufsen sound package,
- if they have it... - it'd be good.
- Great. - Gotcha.
Did they say anything about catering?
Not yet.
Those little mozzarella balls would be great.
- Yeah? - Caprese salad.
- Something light. Balsamic. - Yeah, just...
Balsamic, all that jazz?
Cool.
Nothing.
Cool.
That's fun.
He'll flip the short pass.
Complete to Anderson. He's at the 35.
He moves to the 30-yard line...
- Here you go, Mr. Zimmer. - Oh, thank you.
Trailing by three points...
- Thanks. - Mm-hmm.
...with time running out, the Packers roll 68 yards
across the frozen field and into legend.
He flips the pass. It's complete.
To Chuck Mercein. He's at the 25, the 20...
With only three minutes to play,
all the hopes and dreams of an entire season
rested on the shoulders of one man.
♪ Like a rhinestone cowboy ♪
♪ Riding out on a horse ♪
♪ In a star-spangled rodeo ♪
♪ Like a rhine... ♪
This is "Fresh Air."
I'm Terry Gross.
Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein
had one of the most successful
musical partnerships of the 20th century.
But I also think it's-it's a canard
that Hammerstein can't write funny songs.
She's got a beautiful voice,
so let's hear her singing
"Everybody's Got a Home but Me."
Will you set the scene for us
about where this song fits into the show?
Well, this young prostitute
has just arrived in Monterey...
Oh.
- Evening. - Hey.
Hi. What can I get you?
Uh, how about a Bud and a burger?
That sounds good.
- Thank you so much. - Sure thing.
Coming up.
Hey, Charlie.
Tough day?
- A long day, traveling. - Oh, yeah?
- Where from? - Washington, D.C.
Man, I ain't been there since, like, a school trip.
Can't even remember how many years ago that was.
- It was 29. 29 years. - Yeah?
- Was it? - 29 years. Ms. Heuvel's history class.
- That's what it was. Ms. Heuvel's history class. - Yeah.
Security guards chased us out of the Space Museum.
Yeah, well, we beat the dog shit out of those other kids.
Well, you guys aren't missing anything.
It is a nightmare down there.
- Huh. Yeah. - Well, no argument there.
- Yeah. You can say that again. - Mm-hmm.
- Mike Staadt. - Hey.
- We call him Big Mike. - Yeah.
People call me Big Mike for some reason.
Well, it's, uh, because... to tell us apart.
Because I'm... my name's Mike, too, but I'm Little Mike.
Hey. How are you? Gary.
- Nice to meet you. - Gary, Gary.
Gary from D.C. D.C. Gary.
He likes to give everybody nicknames, so that's
why he's-he's giving you a nickname right now, which...
It shows friendship and affection.
- Okay, yeah, but he doesn't... - If you don't like yours,
- I'll take it away. - No, I'm fine with my nickname.
Well, I appreciate it, Little Mike.
Okay, thank you, D.C. Gary.
Hey, this is our new friend, D.C. Gary.
- Hey. How are you? - Hey.
- Dave. - My name is Gary, and I'm from D.C., so...
- that works. - Well, welcome to Deerlaken.
- Thank you. - Ever been to Wisconsin before?
Uh, spent a fair amount of time in Madison.
So that's a no.
That's not Wisconsin.
Actually, I'm here to see Jack Hastings. You know him?
- Oh, yeah. He's a great guy. - Yeah, everybody knows Jack.
- The Colonel. Great guy. - Semper fi.
- Yeah. - YouTube star.
We've got some rooms upstairs, if you need.
- Sure. That sounds good. - Tonya?
Yeah, baby.
This gentleman here would like a room.
Oh, sure. What do you need, hon?
Uh, anything. Any room is fine.
Okay.
If you have something on a high floor
with a king bed and a coffee maker...
Okay. Yeah, we... everything's on the second floor.
- Perfect. - They're all pretty much the same.
That's perfect. I'm easy.
- Anything's good. - Take 206. It's the biggest.
- They're all unlocked. - Okay.
Thank you so much, Tonya.
- Hey, so, D.C. Gary. - Yeah.
You ever been to the White House?
- I have. - What's that like?
What's that like? It's a lot smaller than you think.
- Thanks. - What? - Really? -Yeah.
Yeah, 'cause we didn't... I don't think we got
by there on that student trip.
Must not have been built at that point.
Oh, that looks delicious. Thank you so much.
Do you have a bottle opener?
- That's a... no, that's just a twist. - Bud, you just twist.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - It's a twist-off.
I know. I know.
Maybe he does need a bottle opener.
- Maybe use your-your vest. - He's probably...
- Maybe a European grip. - Ah, I got it.
- There we go. - There we go.
Cheers.
- Hey. - Cheers. - Cheers.
- Cheers. - Here's to you. - Cheers.
Budweiser.
Mmm. Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
You got to be kidding me.
Okay.
All right.
It's fine, it's fine.
It's fine!
All right.
And it's fucking locked.
Goddamn it.
Oh, shit.
Ah, fuck this.
Oh, Deerlaken.
Love it.
Okay.
Everything all right?
Uh, hel... Yes? Hello?
- It's Dave. - Yes?
From the Hofbrau House.
- From downstairs? - Yes.
- O-Okay. - Everything all right?
Mm... yeah, I was just looking for a Wi-Fi password.
Good luck.
Case-sensitive?
No, good luck getting Wi-Fi.
You're better off using your phone.
- Okay. - Okay.
All right, very good.
- Thank you. - Sure.
- Goodbye. - Night, Gar.
Everything all right?
Hey, D.C. Gary!
Hey, Gary.
Hey.
Good morning, Gary.
Hey.
Okay.
- Excuse me, Gary. - Hi, Gary.
All right.
Well, hello, Gary.
The Mikes told me that you're up from D.C.,
and I figured that you might be on the hunt
for some good caffeine.
Yes. Um... sure.
May I have a...
- Coffee? - A coffee.
Cream, two sugars.
Not how I like it, but good.
And i-if you don't mind, um,
when you head up to Jack's, can you give him this?
Jack, uh, he gets a little cranky
if he doesn't get his linzers.
Oh, and I-I, uh...
I put a little streusel in there for you, too.
Just made it. Still warm.
Mmm. Okay.
Ah, no, no, no, no, no.
You're saving me a trip, so...
Okay.
Um, okay.
Okay.
Bye, Gary.
Okay. Bye.
Have a good one.
Thank you. You have a good one.
Hey, guys. Have a good one.
Hey, lady. Have a good one.
All right. Is everybody having a good one?
What the fuck?
Oh, my God.
Oh, fuck!
Oh!
Fuck me!
Oh, God.
Mmm, mmm.
Mmm.
Shit! God! God!
Sunny! Muffin! Stand down!
Oh, hey.
You Ann's new delivery guy?
I'm sorry.
Uh, I'll go back and get you some more of those.
Oh, it's fine. I'll probably end up
giving them most of them anyway.
Um... okay.
Okay.
That's an angry labradoodle.
Oh, really beautiful out here.
Really takes me back.
Oh, you a farm boy?
Uh, uh, no.
Political consultant.
Well, sir, I saw your video on the Internet...
the town hall you busted up.
Um...
your comments on the responsibility
to the least of us moved me deeply.
- Grab a bucket. - And I'll grab a bucket.
And here they come. Okay.
I think, increasingly...
...we have lost the capacity to see each other.
Empathy for those that we don't resemble.
Not to say partisanship has no place,
but certainly not at the level of toxicity
that our current debate incorporates.
"No man left behind" is your ethos as a Marine!
I think it's especially poignant this day and age!
Your words spoke to values, not identity.
So important.
It was Abraham Lincoln who said,
"An appeal to our better angels."
You came out of there pretty fast.
Did you wash?
Okay.
Here it is.
I want you to be the Democratic candidate
for mayor of Deerlaken.
Now, I know you probably don't think that you're a Democrat,
but after watching your speech, I can assure you that you are,
and I would like to offer my company's services
to help you do so.
Well, I thank you.
You're welcome.
You know, thanks for the help today.
My pleasure.
But all things being equal,
I'd rather not.
All right.
Can I be completely honest with you?
No bullshit.
Be nice.
My daughter's here.
That was your daughter, with her-her arm up the c-cow?
Okay. Look...
- Democrats are getting their asses kicked. - Mm.
Because guys like me don't know how to talk to guys like you.
I really believe that you believe what I believe...
that what is happening in this town is wrong.
What is happening in this country is wrong.
People are turning their backs on each other.
We are forgetting that we need each other.
What you said in your speech...
strong as our weakest link.
Do you mean that?
Did you mean it when you said that?
Because if you did, I think that you have an obligation
to try to strengthen those weak links.
And you can do it. You can do it.
You can do it in this sort of position.
You can help strengthen those... those weak links.
You can achieve that.
Okay...
All right.
You know what?
All due respect, Colonel, anybody can make a speech.
The real test is backing up your words.
The things that you said to those folks in that meeting,
was that principle,
or was that just a hobby?
Let me know.
Why does he need three guns?
Oh, God.
- Shit. - I'm sorry if I startled you, sunshine.
Don't you people believe in locks?
Or privacy or basic social contracts?
Yeah, Tonya let me in.
I told her I had something important
I needed to talk to you about.
You'll do it?
Under one condition.
Great. Name it.
You run the damn thing.
I got the farm to worry about.
Don't have any idea how to even start.
I will have one of my top guys make himself available to you.
No, no, that's not gonna do it.
You.
The deal is you run it from here.
I checked you out.
You got one hell of a portfolio.
So, deal?
I'd like a big clump of the cows
right here in the center.
- Do you copy me? - Yes, sir!
Okay. If you can just move 'em over that way.
- Yep! - Okay!
And if you could get some of them to face front.
Oh, my God.
Hey there, Colonel.
Gary.
Bobby, thanks a million for coming out here.
I'll be certain to vote for you.
Thank y'all, folks, for coming.
So, this is just a quick kickoff.
Let's make you look a little more like Farmer Jack
and less like Certified Public Accountant Jack.
- There you go. - Uh, okay.
Oh...
- Oh, no, no. That's okay. - Quit it.
- That's okay. Donny, right? - Quit it.
Michael.
Michael, we can just boom him, okay?
The pole with the thing on the end.
Do you do sound, Michael?
- Chuck does sound. - Okay.
But he's at the lake with his family.
Okay, well, that's too bad that he's not...
- Eh, that's okay. That's okay. We'll just go without. - No.
- Thank you, Donny. - Thank you, son. Thank you.
Okay.
Let's give it a try.
There you are.
Uh, this is...
Why you are running for mayor.
Wow.
I quote Patton...
and Jesus.
Paraphrase.
And you can't go to the prom without a corsage.
Let's make magic.
All right. Thank you for coming.
Could we quiet the cows, please?!
Thank you!
Ladies and gentlemen, Colonel Jack Hastings.
So, uh,
I am Colonel Jack Hastings, and...
I'm running for mayor.
So, uh...
How we doing?
All right. Beautifully put.
Are there any questions for the Colonel?
Anyone?
Bueller?
Uh, yes, Colonel.
Yes, name and affiliation, please.
- It's Dan. - Name and affiliation, please.
I'm Dan.
Go ahead, Daniel.
Easy on the cows!
Um, yes, Mr. Hastings, uh, Colonel,
could you say that again?
Because I-I don't think my recorder was on.
Mm. Do it again?
Hey, you know what?
It's okay.
- Now... - We'll get it.
Okay, this one...
What I'm looking for...
don't put all the black ones in the center.
He's running as a moderate, okay?
And if you could get some facing this way,
that would be helpful.
More local news tonight out of Deerlaken.
Former Marine Colonel Jack Hastings
announcing today that he's running for mayor
as a Democrat.
While Braun may have an incumbent's advantage,
political insiders say Hastings
is likely to give him a run for his money.
Happening now, a major...
Well, how much is this gonna cost?
You let me worry about that.
What I need from you are people, volunteers.
We got a lot of legwork
if we're gonna make a noise in this thing.
- More coffee? - Oh, I'm good.
No, I'm good, Lizzie. Thanks.
You know what I do need?
I need a couple buckets of that gravy
so I can take a bath in it.
So good.
Delicious.
My compliments to the chef.
I'll let Ziggy know.
Great.
That ought to cheer him up.
Just the check, Lizzie.
Will do, Jack.
What's the deal with the happy chef?
Oh, Ziggy's all right.
- Oh? - He owns the place.
Eh, he may be a bit peeved about the election thing.
He's Mayor Braun's brother.
Why isn't this place called Braun's?
The Hansens owned this place since probably... Korea.
Bobby Hansen started it, his kids ran it for years,
and had to sell once the base closed,
but no matter who owns it, it'll always be Hansen's.
Base closing really hammered this place.
Yeah, it did.
More than half of our storefronts have shut down.
In fact, we're losing our high school
if we can't come up with the funding.
But no matter what folks might wish for here,
it ain't coming back.
"Vote for Jack Hastings,
"'cause no matter what you wish for,
it ain't never coming back."
- I like it. It's good. - Well...
- I'm not gonna lie to people. - No, I know. I know.
I was just being witty and cynical.
Can't win a battle if you're not honest
about what you're really up against.
No, you cannot.
Not enough for a bath,
but you can get a good foot soak in.
Thank you.
A straw.
All right, let's bring it in.
Everybody in. Ah...
- phone bank! - Phone bank.
Well, you'll get it next time.
Okay, I want you to be upbeat.
I want you to be positive.
Active participation is what we're looking for.
Would they volunteer? Would they donate?
Can we drop off a lawn sign?
Would they donate?
Yes, write that down. That's good.
Got some sample scripts for you there.
Contact list there.
To the ramparts!
That means go. You can begin.
- Oh. - Now...
you guys are my "A" team.
So, first, we're going to take these lawn signs,
and we're going to put them in all available public spaces.
I want them visible but not obnoxiously so.
Isn't it a little early for lawn signs?
I'm sorry. She just, um...
'Cause just around here,
sometimes people aren't so keen...
- Mm-hmm. - But then, I do appreciate
that you got the signs made.
- Mm-hmm. - I mean, we've always used lawn signs.
- Yeah. - They've worked for hundreds of years, so...
- Great. - Yeah, let's just use 'em.
Great. All right, Ann?
- Hmm? Okay. - I want you to take the downtown area.
Martha, Dave, how about everything west of 39?
And, Diana, I'd like you to stay here...
- Hello? - Yeah?
- ...to do... - Good morning.
Hi. This is Matthew, and I'm a volunteer
- calling with Jack... - Matthew?
- Matt... Matthew... - Hello?
Hello?
What are you doing?
- Zimmer. - Good morning, Mr. Zimmer.
My name is Michael, calling on behalf of Colonel Hastings.
Guys, guys, guys, guys.
All right, this is what's happening here.
You're calling off the office contact list.
This is the voter contact list.
- Oh. - So, yeah, I know.
I want you to call the voter contact list.
We're already voting for the Colonel.
Okay? Good.
Let's go do the signs, too.
Oh, my God.
Keep doing that, guys.
Gar! Hey, D.C. Gary!
- Hi. - Hey, Gar, come on over.
Okay. All right.
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Uh, that's a six. That is a five.
And a four. Look at that.
- And a seven. - Oh, my... Oh!
I'm keeping it, baby!
- Ah! - Hey, everybody.
- Hey. - This is D.C. Gary.
He's staying above the Hofbrau.
- Hey. - Good to see you.
Welcome to The Ambassador's Lounge.
Thank you very much.
Hear you're in town helping the Colonel.
- Yes, I am. - He's a good man.
He is. He is a good man.
So, is this your campaign office here?
This?
No, this is The Ambassador's Lounge,
an elite, uh, social club of the area's top entrepreneurs,
- athletes and raconteurs. - Ah.
It's a shithole.
Hey, guys.
Jack's already got lawn signs printed up.
Well, I got to head out.
Got a lot of work to catch up on.
Pleasure meeting everybody.
Hey, Father, you want to go with him?
He might need a miracle or two.
This town hasn't had a Democrat mayor
since La Follette ruled these parts, and...
hasn't had a Democratic Party since the '70s.
Gonna take a little bit more
than lawn signs.
Okay.
Colonel Jack Hastings.
Tempered by war.
Chain's only as strong as its weakest link.
Driven by faith.
I am my brother's keeper.
A new kind of Democrat.
A Democrat for the heartland.
Jack Hastings, a redder kind of blue.
Paid for by Real Americans for...
What are you up to, Zimmer?
I am telling you guys, Jack could be the real deal,
on a national level.
On a national level?
It's like he's a cross between...
- MacArthur and elk jerky. - Wait, what?
And one of those machines that test grip strength.
Sounds too good to be true.
Oh, my God.
Semicolon.
She took the bait.
It's on here, boys. Game on.
- And let him be the star, you know? - Yeah.
- Yep. - So...
♪ A little bit of Hastings all the time ♪
♪ We're gonna win election, yeah, yeah, yeah. ♪
Oh, yeah. Oh, here I am.
Yes. Hello, party people.
Oh, 'tis a beautiful day to be alive
and on the vanguard of change.
Who wants something to eat?
They're so delicious.
Okay.
What's going on?
Why all the long faces?
Did you not see it?
The billboard.
The one on Main with the giant "Vote for Mayor Braun"?
- Yes. - What about it?
"What about it?"
That's the Macgregor Ford billboard.
Okay.
Okay, so it's been the Macgregor Ford billboard
for probably 40 years.
God only knows how much it cost.
And it looks like Braun has taken over Jerry's old office
as some sort of campaign headquarters.
Wait a second. Wait a second. Hold on. Hold on.
Um, are you telling me that the mayor,
who's running for reelection,
has decided to advertise his campaign for mayor?
And he's doing it from a... campaign office?
Oh, my God! Oh, I... This is...
This is overwhelming to me.
Oh, my God.
I don't... I...
What...
I have the vapors. I...
I'm hyperventilating.
Why are these spoons just standing there?
You don't get it.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
You don't get it.
Do you have any idea how much that costs?
Well, that space is 3,800 square feet,
and it runs for $20 a square foot yearly.
Prorated to two months is $7,600.
The billboard, a little bit harder to decipher.
But I'd say, based on the location
and Mayor Braun's desperation, 8K all-in.
Design and printing included.
I don't know, maybe something like that.
Well, there's no way that Braun's got that much money.
Unless... this little campaign of ours
has caught the attention of the national Republican Party
and they are sending money and reinforcements.
It's okay.
It's exactly what we wanted to happen.
They are scared.
On a national level,
they are scared of Colonel Jack.
So we have to plan our next move.
Come here.
Gather round.
We're going to need...
something a little like...
that.
Wow.
And you scroll down.
There's a "donate" button.
Well, the money be just one clicky away.
And one clicky goes to where?
Our website.
Oh, we don't have a web...
Oh, wow.
Awesome.
Good slogan, right?
You were one step ahead the whole time.
Well, three or four, but thank you very much.
I will take that.
Oh, wow.
Mmm.
Know how I knew you were here?
Your pussy tingled.
Semicolon on the billboard.
Classic Faith Brewster over-punctuation.
Look, Zim, y'all punched your ticket
on a changing demographic, and now whitey don't want you back.
Okay, Jeb, exclamation point.
Why are you here?
Because I enjoy demoralizing you.
Because crushing the last piece of hope in your eyes
really gets me off.
You are a twisted fuck, Faith.
And you don't know Jack.
Please don't tell me that is
the campaign slogan you came up with.
This guy, Zim, he's not the last Jedi,
and even if he were, I'd still crush him
because that's what I do.
You realize, in that analogy, you're Darth Vader.
Whatever you say, nerd.
- It's good to see you. - Yeah.
You look fat.
Hmm.
Divine, Ann.
- You have to tell me your secret sometime. - Mm.
I would never tell you.
I'll never tell her.
- Cream, two sugars. - Oh.
- No, that's not how I take it. - I know, but...
Um, and here-here's some streusel I made for you,
- and, um, it's still warm. - No, no, no, no, Ann, I can't.
- And then these are cookies I made for you. - I can't.
- I'm getting fat. I can't do that. - They're...
- They're called the Garys, though. - Thank you.
- I made these... - I know. I appreciate it.
- Thank you. Okay. - Yeah. Okay.
- Okay, bye-bye. - All right, then.
Thank you. All right, then.
- Bye-bye. Have a good day. - Okay.
Up all night for nothing.
- Coming back. There you go. - All right, just today.
- Okay. - Yeah. Thank you.
Bye-bye, now. Bye-bye.
Bye, Gar.
Have a good one.
- Okay, good night. - Oh, hey.
Good night. I didn't know anybody else was here.
I just wanted to make sure
everything was set for tomorrow.
I was just finishing up these pamphlets on immigration.
Ooh.
That sounds complicated.
I hope the small minds can manage.
I'm sorry about that.
Sometimes, messaging for the base
doesn't resonate with the broader electorate.
Oh, okay.
So, to flatter them, you have to condescend to us.
I get it.
Uh, no, no, that wasn't...
that wasn't what...
Sorry.
How's your dad doing?
Is he okay? Nervous?
No.
No? Well, why would he be? He's been through a war.
He's not gonna sweat a fish fry.
- No, he doesn't really get nervous. - Mm-mm.
Just quiet.
Right.
Runs in the family.
- Maybe. - Oh.
Yes, my, uh...
my mom was really more of the talker.
She was...
You ever know anyone that just lit up a room?
Mm-hmm.
Well, she was that.
Yeah.
- She sounds great. - Yeah.
So, why did your dad get involved with all this?
I mean, why speak at that meeting?
Why run when it involves talking and people?
I think he just loves this town.
You know, I think he'd do anything to save it.
What about you?
Uh, I guess I would do
just about anything to save him.
Okay. You have a good day, now.
I'll just take one.
Hey. How are you this evening?
Pamphlet? Vote for Colonel Jack.
Colonel Jack pamphlet.
Vote for Colonel Jack.
How are y'all doing?
...incredible database.
- Yeah. - And all your information is in there.
Hey, Gary. Sorry I'm late.
I was just waiting for these to get finished.
Beer Koozies might be a little more helpful
than just the pamphlets.
And this is actually very simple.
You just type in your family's name...
How big is that booth?
- Faith. - Gary.
You seem to be doing a brisk business.
"Deerlaken: always."
So, apparently,
"Deerlaken über alles" was copyrighted?
Well, we were gonna go with "I'm with him"
until we remembered how fucking stupid it sounded.
No, no, no, no. I love it.
I love the whole town genealogy angle.
It's got a real bold
"you ain't from around here" flavor.
With subtle notes of,
uh, xenophobia.
Not to mention the cognitive dissonance
that your booth is basically a love letter to immigration.
That's a great observation.
So all these people are hypocrites?
- I'd run with that. - All you have is fear.
Now we're getting somewhere.
20 bucks says I do better with fear
than you do with shame.
- Oh. - Okay.
It's all set, Miss Brewster.
Thank you, sweetie.
Well, well, well.
I'm really sorry, Mr. Z.
I like working with you guys, but...
I'm saving up for a car, and she's paying us.
"Eh, she's paying us."
Wow, way to stand up for what you believe in there...
- M... Michael. - It's Michael.
- Michael. I know his name is Michael. - His name is Michael.
- No, you don't. - I know it.
- I was pausing for effect, Michael. - It's okay, Michael.
- Character is destiny, Michael. - Oh, don't listen to him.
- Character is destiny. - He's a jerk. Oof.
Good burn.
Jack has lived here for 30 years.
You really think you can run a campaign
that paints him as a carpetbagger?
Probably not, but I think I can run one that says you are.
- Beer Koozie? - Oh, my God.
Oh. Hastings Koozie?
- Yeah. - Touché.
That's right. That's in our booth.
- What do you think of that? - Yeah, I'll take one.
What do you think of that right there?
Boom, boom. What do you think of that?
- I don't... - Oh.
Sorry. Not you, Dot.
- Hi. - Oh, Dot.
Oh.
Whoa.
We're not doing this.
What?
Ugh.
You go through my stuff?
Why here? You have your own room.
I don't want to smoke alone.
Oh, come on. Are...
Really?
Gary, I'm bored.
Please, can we just forget it?
You've made your point.
There's Democrats with calloused hands.
Gonna bode very well for the midterms, I promise.
Now, can we just all go back to Washington
and forget that we ever made camp in a place
where the shit you skim off milk is considered a food?
They are called cheese curds, and they are delicious.
They're disgusting.
And you can't make poutine without them.
- Come on. Please. - Go.
You can go. You don't have to be here.
I made these people a promise.
I'm a good person.
It's your last chance, Zim.
I'm gonna make a big deal of this.
Tons of press, lots of money. You're gonna lose,
and then you're gonna look like a giant asshole.
Good. That's what I want.
Not the asshole but for you to make a big deal of this.
I want it to be a big deal. It is a big deal.
Well, let's make it interesting.
Okay, why don't we?
The loser has to eat the winner's pussy out for an hour.
You better grab a big old bib, 'cause it's chow time.
Dick chow time.
'Cause I'm gonna win,
- and you're gonna have to eat my dick for an hour. - Wha...
And you know something?
That's a long time, dick-eating-wise.
A long time!
To eat my dick.
In a dangerous world
gone mad...
we need emotionally stable leadership.
Only Mayor Braun is stable enough
to keep Deerlaken safe,
to keep Deerlaken Deerlaken.
I got you.
I'm Mayor Braun, and I approve this message.
Here.
Paid for by Traditional Wisconsin Families
for Faith and Freedom.
They've taken the office just across from mine.
They're definitely ramping up,
so I'm gonna need the full crew.
If Zimmer wants to take a stand in Turdsville, USA,
I say we bury him here.
Sorry.
Not a turd.
Heart and soul of America.
Get me the nerdy guy from analytics.
- Who's that? - I don't know his name.
He wears glasses and plaid.
- Has a very complicated beard. - Which one?
How the fuck does that not narrow it down? I...
- God fucking damn it. - What?
And send me everyone by yesterday.
I'll get on it.
Sor... Hey, Dot.
- Gary. - Hey, big guy?
- Yes. - We got a problem.
What's up?
Having trouble rounding up focus groups?
No.
Shh.
I don't even know what to say.
Hey, hey, everybody.
Do we know why we have dial-up in this space?
Duffy had it upgraded
right before he closed the shop.
Upgraded from what?
- Nothing. - Well, is there any way
we can piggyback Wi-Fi from someplace?
Uh, there's a place where the kids go and they do homework
and they play games and whatnot.
- I know the password. - Okay.
- Solving problems. - Nice!
Listen, I... I don't think you're allowed to be here
unless you're on official school business, so...
Okay, look, uh, Officer...
- Tommy. - Officer Tommy.
Um, we are with the Hastings campaign,
and we're trying to get some work done here.
It's sort of time-sensitive.
So... um, okay, here we go.
Here is a pen.
- Okay. - And...
- one of these beer thingies. - Koozie.
Koozie, and, uh...
thank you for your service.
Oh, for God sakes.
Hello, boys.
Gentlemen, these are children!
- Hey. - Hi. - Children!
- Great job, guys. - And do you know what that looked like?
Sitting in your car?
A bunch of boys on the computer?
No, no, no. Thank you.
So, I see they sprung you from detention, huh?
Yeah, apparently, small-town hospitality
doesn't apply to Wi-Fi.
They're not too keen on strangers staking out
a school parking lot... you know, kids and all.
Yeah, in hindsight, that makes complete sense.
Mm-hmm.
Guys, could I talk to you for a sec?
- Yeah. - My office.
Come on in. Have a seat.
You can leave the door open.
Here's the deal.
Our opponents are pumping way more into this
than I ever expected them to.
- Huh. - This rinky-dink stuff is not gonna fly.
We need to up our fundraising game.
Okay. That's...
Sure. Do you want to do, uh, like, a street fair or...?
That's a good idea.
No, it's not a good idea.
Don't... No, we're not gonna do that.
Have you ever been to New York?
Oh, my God, please unplug it.
Please unplug it.
Unplug it!
I'm just looking at the guest list here.
Great. Great turnout.
Especially considering the short notice.
Really good.
Mmm. You ever have one of those?
Yeah, green beans.
Haricot vert.
Isn't that French for "green beans"?
These are more delicate.
Thinner, more flavorful.
- I didn't know you spoke French. - Mm.
Would you like something?
No, no.
This too loud?
Richard and Ginnie Peeler
are hosting.
He's a hedge fund swell.
She's been saving the Hudson for about 25 years.
Richard Peeler. Yeah?
Got it.
Are you, like, 12?
It's not only that the sand traps are deeper,
but the quality of the sand at...
Excuse me. Gary! Hey.
Dick Peeler.
Gary, thank you for coming.
Oh, my pleasure. Thanks for having us.
Well, we're really, really excited.
We're excited. Jack! Jack!
I'd like you to meet Richard Peeler.
- What an honor. - Colonel Jack Hastings.
- Oh. - Very nice to meet you.
- Thank you for... having us. - Oh, it's really an honor.
- And, uh... - Yeah.
No, it's, uh, you know, the authentic thing here.
I see that. It's amazing.
Uh, can I get you something to drink?
Sure. What would you like?
Uh, I'd like a little, uh, tea.
Chamomile if you have it.
All right.
That's fine. You want a Scotch.
- Yes, please. - Yes, I know that.
He's a criminal.
Oh, thank you.
He's a criminal.
Trust me, I've done deals with him.
Our democracy is falling apart.
We're gonna lose it.
Tom Friedman had a great line.
I like to say he's the Bitcoin of presidents.
Her whole dress line was made in China.
The man is mentally ill.
Fuckface von Clownstick.
I'm mad? We should all be mad.
I mean, what kind of person hunts elephants?
And there's not a whole lot of the, um...
What did you call that?
- Uh, farm-to-table. - The farm-to-table.
I mean, I guess it all kind of, uh...
all goes from farms to tables of some kind.
We're so excited that you're all here.
And we are so thankful
to our old friend for presenting us
with another informative and, uh, just stimulating evening.
Oh.
You know him. You love him.
And sometimes hate.
- Hate writing the checks, but, uh, you know. - Yeah.
- Gary. - Thank you. Thanks so much.
Thanks for coming.
And thank you...
Keep that going for the Peelers, please.
Their tremendous hospitality.
Listen, I'm not gonna take up too much of your time
other than to say thank you all for being here.
One thing I do want to say, though, is that
Colonel Jack Hastings is the embodiment
of America's real greatness.
Service to nation, hard work, faith.
Republicans don't own those values, do they?
They don't own 'em.
They can't.
Inclusion.
That's the most important of all.
But sometimes, we get comfortable
in our own little ideological bubbles.
I see them.
You can't see them, necessarily, but I see 'em.
There's a little bubble there.
And we forget to reach out.
To find empathy and understanding
across religious or racial
or just plain geographical boundaries.
And I hope tonight changes that, even just a little bit.
So, without further ado,
I would like you to join me in welcoming
the next mayor of Deerlaken, Wisconsin,
Colonel Jack Hastings.
Hear, hear.
Uh, uh... thanks, folks.
And thanks to Gary
- and to the Peelers. - Thank you.
Wow, this is a great house.
It's a great house.
Um...
I see some of you are...
wondering what I'm doing here.
And...
I think I'm wondering the same.
Uh...
I guess that's the point.
Without all this, you might never have met me.
And I certainly wouldn't have met you.
But...
...uh, now we have.
So, uh...
Um...
Colonel, Colonel.
- Yeah. - Gary Zimmer from "The D.C. Bugle."
Um, why...
why should a bunch of uptight Upper West Siders care about
a little town in Wisconsin?
Uh, it's hard to say.
I guess we're hurting,
looking for help from you.
What can we do to help?
I'll take that. Money.
Money.
It's a serious question, actually.
You know, our politics seem broken.
Colonel, what do you see is the system's greatest weakness?
Hmm, well, I guess, for one thing,
this.
Here, tonight.
And I mean no disrespect.
I just think this seems a bit crazy.
I want to help my town.
I want to be mayor,
some town in the middle of Wisconsin.
So, instead of being home
working on some smart things to help my town,
I have to fly here to your town
and convince you that my town's worth saving.
And that I'm worth it.
And that saving it is worth it to you.
All so you can give me some money.
Not for my town, but for me.
To help convince my town that I'm worth it.
I mean...
I don't know, it just sounds so stupid.
Still crying?
A little bit.
Mm.
You gonna do that all the way home?
Yes.
Why?
Because the seat belt sign is on
and I can't get up to hug you.
Damn, Jack.
You walked in there,
into the lion's den like that...
Daniel.
Yeah, and just...
you told 'em, straight up, this isn't right.
This is wrong. The system is corrupt.
I'm out of order? You're out of order.
The whole damn system's out of order!
Attica! Att...
Money.
Oh, God, their money is the problem?
Oh!
You should've seen their faces.
I saw.
They ate it up.
We could've named our price.
Oh, no way Faith matches.
- And why is that, now? - Oh.
Because they're spending to stop something,
and we're spending to start something.
Hmm.
I'm mad as hell,
and I can't take it anymore!
Oh!
Gary, you... green bean?
No.
Okay. No, thank you.
Wow.
I'm telling you, he is the real deal.
It is like a Bill Clinton with impulse control.
Like a churchgoing Bernie Sanders
with better bone density.
- He... Oh, here they are. - Hello. Good morning.
Here they are.
Ladies and gentlemen, the next mayor of Deerlaken
and his talented first daughter.
- Please join me. - You are fired up, huh?
I am fired... Why wouldn't I be fired up?
I am working with the future of the Democratic Party here.
Oh, your dad the other night was transcendent.
He crushed it.
And because of that, I'd like to show you
the fruits of your labor.
Because he was so good, I was able to hire...
the "A" team.
- Mm-hmm. - I'm just kidding.
They're not the "A" team.
Not that you aren't great.
But this...
is the real "A" team.
I get it, but what are the numbers?
- You know Kurt Lehman, polling and modeling. - Oh, my God.
- Yes. Hi. - Hi.
- He gives us a window into the electorate. - Hi. - Hey.
- How are you? - Best in the business.
When everyone was predicting Hillary
in a landslide over Trump, Kurt was the one guy
who had her just barely beating him.
My models just picked up the trend lines, so...
If the election had taken place a month or two later...
My numbers would've been 100% on the money.
- Mm-hmm. - Wow.
Impressive.
Well...
Well, he was the least wrong.
Tina Kuryev, analytics.
She gives us a window into the voters.
Good to meet you, sir.
Oh. I thought, uh, polling did that.
- It does. - Well, he tells you how he thinks they feel.
I tell you how they really feel.
- People are liars. - Here we go.
He can tell you how often people say they go to church.
She can tell you if they actually go.
I can tell you if God is in their hearts.
- Oh, my God. - Tina's in online analytics.
Hey, can I just say...
we take deception into account, too, okay?
Yeah, polling is an art form, but,
you know, there's plenty of science to back it up.
Says the guy still calling landlines.
People tell computers the truth, right?
Their desires, their prejudices.
Every search, every transaction...
it's an unguarded private moment.
So there's no, uh, margin of error, you know?
The digital footprint is your true self.
But, surely, people are more complicated
than their online transactions.
Well, says the woman with three cats
and an intense search history of the herpes virus.
One of the cats...
Is this legal?
Law enforcement or in the eyes of God?
With two weeks to go until election day,
we have an update on the Deerlaken mayoral race.
The race between Colonel Jack Hastings
and incumbent Mayor Billy Braun is tightening.
Who here has been chosen as 527s?
Raise your hands, please.
One, two, three, four. Good.
You all run super PACs now.
You are no longer associated with this campaign.
And as such, it is time to move to your super PAC location,
which is all the way at the back of the room,
far, far away from the activity of the campaign.
Right now?
I am not at liberty to say.
The campaign cannot coordinate with the super PAC.
So...
After the meeting.
♪ You always won ♪
♪ Every time you placed a bet... ♪
Get me that fucking sat truck!
Get it now! They're gonna out-communicate us!
Here, we have an unusual cluster of single women.
They're all gonna get pamphlets
saying that the mayor is gonna repeal
the health care payment for birth control.
What's this?
It's eight SMAWs.
Stay-at-home middle-aged women.
- 29 to 54. - 29?
That's middle-aged?
Yes. Yes, it is.
You got to do it on the adjective.
Safe streets. It's not safe streets.
- Everybody wants safe streets! - Safe... No, no, no.
Okay, that's coming off a little angry.
Did you finish those donor calls?
Yeah, just about.
I just always had a notion that farmers had a...
I'm sorry, are... are you clicking your heels?
Are you Dorothy?
Is there no place like home?
♪ Turning on the charm ♪
- ♪ Long enough to get you by ♪ - ♪ Still the same... ♪
America's greatness and God's grace...
I'd go to battle for those two any day.
Paid for by Wisconsinites
for Religiously Based Compassionate Empathy.
Did you just sigh?
- Did he just sigh? - Oh, I can't...
Don't even get me started with sighing.
Now, here, this cluster in blue
have children, so they're gonna get
pamphlets saying "save our schools"
because it's 1950 and everybody loves pamphlets.
"Hi. My name is Jack. I'm exasperated."
Why don't we move on to the WoMAMs?
White middle-aged men.
♪ I had nothing left to say ♪
♪ 'Cause you're still the same ♪
♪ Still the same ♪
♪ Baby, baby, still the same ♪
What's this?
Walt.
♪ You're still the same... ♪
Is that an acronym?
No, it is not.
Can I still bring baked goods to the super PAC location?
No.
I'm Colonel Jack Hastings, and I approve this message.
You want to come to Deerlaken,
you'll have to go through him.
Paid for by Powerful Progressives for Strength.
- Thank you so much, sir. - You're welcome.
Thank you so much for your support.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
How the hell did she get the bayou billionaires involved?
You okay? Do you need some help?
- Just fine. - You're good? Okay, thank you.
She must have promised that they could have
the town smelted after the election.
I'm just very impressed with all this.
- You... you do the polling. - Uh-huh. In fact...
There it is.
What is that?
No, who is that? Elton Chambers.
The Rocket Man?
The billionaire Rocket Man, yes.
Jesus Chr... I thought he was dead.
- Well, he is dead. - No, no, no.
A series of micro-strokes. It's all good.
Sir Elton, thank you so, so much for coming.
Everyone, this is the great Sir Elton.
Let's get through the pleasantries.
This is Jack Hastings and his daughter Diana.
Hello to you.
All right, well, let's get right to it, then.
Tell me, what is your position
concerning the settlement
of Kevyat Sharim?
Uh...
I'm not sure I...
Israel.
Jack believes that sovereign nations
are entitled to self-defense.
Strongly?
Strongly believes, yes.
An election is a moral horror,
as bad as a battle but without the blood.
That's George Bernard Shaw.
Get the car.
I think that went well.
Seemed like a really nice guy.
Actually looked pretty good, right?
- Yeah. - Surprisingly robust.
Elton Chambers is in.
- Oh. - Ah. All right.
Making it rain.
He actually has a machine that makes it rain.
This margin of error is really shrinking.
Excuse me. Gary...
- Mr. Zimmer. - Mm-mm.
- Becca, super PAC. - Uh...
Okay.
- Uh, big guy? - Hmm?
We got a problem.
Hey, everybody.
Hard at work, I see. That's good.
I had a couple of questions.
The first is: What the fuck?!
What tactical genius in here
thought it might be a good idea to carpet-bomb
a particular neighborhood in this town
with flyers suggesting that Colonel Jack Hastings
- would make sure... - Fuck.
- ...that contraception is paid for by the government?
Uh, I did.
- Oh. - The data showed an
unusually concentrated grouping of single women in the area
who are deeply interested in reproductive rights.
And you know why that is?
Well, "why" is not really...
Because this "concentrated grouping of single women,"
as you put it, is a convent.
They are nuns.
Which is how many of them are going to end up voting for us.
"Nuns" of them. Zero.
It's not funny.
I'm not laughing.
Fuck.
Well, I think we can appreciate the humor
in this very honest mistake.
And the fact that the nuns
are generously turning the other cheek
makes it a nonstory, but...
Brooke, Brooke, if I may.
Uh, this is really just another perfect example
of the D.C. elite coming into a place they don't understand
and trying to dictate how we should live.
The Democrat Party can't win. They're getting desperate.
They don't know us, they don't want to know us,
- and they look down on our values. - No, no.
That's "we." You're D.C. elite.
Oh, no, actually, I'm from here.
Faith, I didn't know that.
- You're from Wisconsin? - Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Well, no, "Deer-lake-en." I'm from "Deer-lake-en."
- What? Whoa. - Oh. Wow.
So this campaign has been a bit of a homecoming.
- It really is, Brooke. Thank you. - No, no.
No, no, that's a lie. That's a lie.
- No, it's... - You're lying.
- It's-it's the truth. - She's ly... That's...
- I'm from here. - No, that... What are you even doing?
- Okay. - I-I am from here.
- You're not from here! - Well, as always, a great
- and spirited discussion. - Thank you so much.
- No, hey! No, no, no, no. She's lying. - Thank you both.
- Unfortunately, we have to leave it there. - She' a li...
Coming up, we'll look at more of this year's hot races
and how those will affect races four years from now.
Why do you even lie about something like that?
Honestly, I, uh... I don't even know.
"I... I don't even know."
Wh-What do you mean, you don't know?
You can't just lie about something like that.
You just walk away?
You just told America that you're from "Deer-lake-en"?
That's not even how you pronounce it!
"Deer-lake-en," my ass.
Oh, my God.
She's a fucking genius!
Oh!
Oh, my God, I hate her so much.
I hate her. I hate her.
She said it, and now it's the truth.
Fuck me.
Another round, guys?
Okay.
Goddamn it. You're killing me.
That's good. Yeah.
Come on. Let's get out of here.
Hey, Mikes!
How you doing, guys?
Hello, everybody.
- Hey, big guy. - Hey, Gary. Um...
- Burger and a Bud. - Oh, thank you very much.
You know, that looks great. Uh, can I have one of those?
No.
What you guys doing? Looking at some ads?
Yeah, they're just taking me through it.
Bio. Very nice.
Education. That's important.
Hey, are we sure that we want to be doing this here
and not in Faith's room or the mayor's office?
Because right now I'm not sure that our opposition knows
exactly what we're about to do.
And that seems unfair. No, no, no, no, no.
Don't put 'em away on my account.
Why don't we got one of those overhead projectors
- that you have at a bowling alley? - Stop.
- Kurt, you don't have to leave. - So everybody here can see it.
Wouldn't that be good?
Kurt, come on.
Mmm!
Why do you talk to them like that?
Like what?
Like that. Like they're idiots.
Well...
Listen.
I saw some polls.
If we don't figure this out soon,
there's no way we're gonna beat her.
- Our demographics are so... - "Her"?
- Who? - Her.
I mean, you said, if we don't figure it out soon,
we're not gonna be able to beat her.
We're not gonna beat her candidate, Braun.
Mayor Braun.
Herr... Herr Braun.
Herr, her. Same thing.
Mm-hmm.
Look, Gary, I don't, um, really understand
how you guys do things in D.C.,
but if you're gonna work for my father,
you need to treat people with respect.
- With. With. - What?
Work with your father, not for.
You said "for." It's a semantic thing, but...
it's... you know, it's an important distinction.
Just so you know,
they don't actually serve hamburgers and Budweiser here,
'cause it's a hofbrau house, so they would serve
German food and German beers.
They've been patronizing you.
Just so you know, I don't even like hamburgers or Budweiser,
so I've been patronizing them...
- the whole time. - Okay. Ah.
Did a little switcheroo.
Oh, and just so you know, congratulations.
Our campaign made the paper.
Oh, God.
She's so pretty.
I bet she smells like Pop-Tarts.
Is he still looking?
Now, Colonel Jack Hastings.
- Mm-hmm. Absolutely. - Military man.
- From the heartland. - Yep.
No greater place in America.
- No, no. - Am I right?
- Nope. - He is now part of the loony left.
No, not just the loony left. He's not just a Democrat.
- No. - He has joined the...
- Squad. - Socialism. - Mm-hmm.
Socialism. Hmm.
Do you think it hurts our military
to have one of their own throw in with the Democrats?
I know that if I had served,
I wouldn't like it.
Mm. Yeah.
Wow, that was a harsh segment.
Cutting but fair.
It's like I wrote it myself last night and sent it to them
and they read it verbatim like a scene.
Go to bed.
What is this?
What am I looking at?
Those are the...
Why are we being outspent three-to-one?
And how do white women not realize
they're backing the wrong horse?
These numbers aren't solidified.
Yeah, well, you got to make it happen,
or you got to find me some more fucking Hispanics.
Where are my fucking Hispanics?!
I need some more fucking Hispanics, Kurt!
Hey, everybody.
Listen.
I am profoundly disappointed
in the comments that I just made.
My words and/or actions
do not represent who I am as a person and...
- Teachable moment. - It is a teachable moment.
It's something I think we can all learn from.
And in that way, I feel like
I have given you a gift.
- You have my heart. - And from this moment on,
I vow to make this office
a color- and gender-neutral work environment.
That is my...
Are you gonna get that?
Ringing off the fucking hook.
A hundred percent.
What do you mean, you're sure?
I'm sure.
You're sure, or you're just pretty sure?
- 100% sure. - Okay.
Okay, Tina. Better not be another nun situation.
It's not.
Hey. Is your dad here?
Yeah. Dad!
- Yeah? - Come on in, Colonel.
So, um, we can't win.
The people in this town are pretty set in their ways.
And we lost the eight nuns.
That wasn't good.
So, we can't win.
Uh... y-you know, we appreciate all you done.
I mean, the campaign and, uh...
I'm just sorry we let you down, but...
well, all I can say is thank you.
Really, Gary, thank you for everything.
It was a hell of a ride.
Are you shitting me?
All I have to say is we can't win,
and you're-you're through, you're out.
- You said we can't win. - Unless.
We can't win unless...
You didn't let me finish.
We can't win unless it turns out that this town
isn't the Mayberry everybody thinks it is.
I just got a little piece of intel
that's kind of intriguing.
So, the mayor's brother Ziggy, he had an Oxy problem.
Well, he was a roofer and got hurt on the job.
Yes, well, what you might not know
is that the mayor pulled some strings,
kept him out of jail, got him into rehab.
That is abuse of power, nepotism.
- Probably some clerical shit in there. - Come on.
Gary.
But we're the good guys, right?
Yeah, we're the good guys.
When they go low...
We go high.
Unless we also need to go low, apparently.
Only to keep those who would go lower out of power.
So, when they go low, we go higher,
incrementally, in relation to how low they went.
Regrettably, yes.
When they go low, we go almost as low,
but we feel worse doing it.
You think they thought twice about making your dad
look like a PTS nutcase?
And I'm going low because
I'm gonna tell the truth about the mayor?
His brother's fragile, Gary.
This town is fragile.
The whole area is fragile. Our democracy.
Stop. We're not doing it.
Okay? People are gonna get hurt.
I'm sorry... I really am...
but sometimes good people have to do shitty things
in service of the greater good.
Isn't that right, Colonel?
Hey.
Yeah?
Gary, stop.
What?
Is this politics?
It's not politics anymore, Diana.
It's... it's math.
That's what an election is.
It's just math.
We need what they get plus one.
That's all.
And if I can't get that
by getting more people to vote for your dad,
then I have to get fewer people to vote for Braun.
Hi.
- Come on in. - Thank you.
I'm so sorry.
I... I'm pulling the plug.
- Hey, hey. - I mean, we have the money we need.
We have more than we would need.
And this would... destroy your brother.
- And I'm just so sorry. - Hey.
You have nothing to be sorry for.
You saved us, Diana.
- Mm-hmm. - This place was done.
Just another town in the middle of nowhere, going nowhere.
And everyone agreed... yours was the best idea we had.
Unless you want to go back to the two Mikes' idea of...
ostrich meat farms.
Diana, you moving back here,
caring so much...
I mean, this whole thing...
Well, I just know how proud of you your dad is
and how proud your mom would be.
And how grateful every single one of us are
for what you've done and everything you've given.
It's working.
Okay.
What do we do about Gary?
Whatever Gary thinks he's got,
why don't we just give him something better?
Hmm.
No, forget the rehab thing.
This is bigger. Obviously, you can't use my name, so just...
"Senior official with inside knowledge
of campaign strategy."
Yes, you are welcome.
Tell me they're running it.
- They are running it. - Oh, yeah, baby!
- Shit's gonna hit the fan. - Oh, it feels good.
Now, the word of the day is "disappointed."
We are not mad at the mayor. We are not shocked.
- We're just disappointed. - Yeah, I am disappointed.
- I'm disappointed, too. - I mean, it's disappointing.
- It is. You know what, he's the mayor. - He betrayed us.
He betrayed us, and it's disappointing.
- I'm hurt. - But I'm not mad.
- No, I'm just disappointed. - Me, too.
Tonight, we have this picture
of the alleged ten-year-old love child
of the Wisconsin mayor and the girl's mother.
We've obscured the child's face to protect her identity
but left enough clues
so that you can probably figure it out.
To discuss this important, late-breaking story,
we go to our panel with a feature
you'll only see here on CNN: the Duodecabox.
What do you think, Phil, Diane, Liz, Carl,
Barbara and... let's say Craig?
Kaylee?
- Kaylee. - Y-Yeah.
- Can you clean this up, please? - Oh, sure.
It was an accident with the sandwich. Thank you.
Hey, man.
Can I talk to you about white power?
Yeah, guns save lives.
- Thank you, sir. - Thank you.
It has been a hard-fought campaign,
but now it's in the hands of the voters.
And excuse me... there's the Colonel right there.
Colonel, come on in.
- Diana. - Hi. - Hi. Good morning.
Did you get some rest?
Yeah, we got a little bit.
- Excuse us, folks. - Good morning. Good morning.
Excuse us. Excuse us.
There he is.
- Billy. Hey. - Colonel, good to see you, sir.
- How are you? How are you? - Good to see you.
How about a picture?
All righty.
Come on. Come on.
- Let's go. Let's go. - Thank you.
Oh, make sure you get this guy's I.D.
Okay.
Billy, we're just talking to Fox. Just Fox.
- Hello. Good morning. - Good morning, Jack.
- Sign right there. - Yeah. All right.
Your dad is really something.
- Yeah. - He's done a great job.
- Yeah, yeah. - Go over here?
So have you. Thank you for everything.
- It's been... - My pleasure.
- So... - I was thinking, maybe later,
if you want to watch the returns come in?
Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, I'd love to.
Oh. Oh, shoot.
You know what? I have to head back to the farm,
- but I'll see you later, okay? - Okay.
Okay.
Diana, aren't you gonna vote?
Nothing?
- No early returns? - Nothing.
- What about exit polling? - No exit polling.
Well, is there another precinct?
No.
Well, where else can they vote?
Well, they can't vote anywhere else.
Was it all early voting?
No early voting, no. Nothing.
What do you mean, nobody has voted yet?
Uh, big guy.
You're gonna want to see this.
...smear Mayor Braun with the falsehood
of an illegitimate child.
Which, as the report you just read stated,
is actually the man's dear niece.
Has the Hastings campaign apologized?
Uh, no, they haven't, and it-it's too late for that.
- Oh, fuck! - Mayor Braun continues to
focus on the issues.
And quite frankly, Brooke,
the media owes the mayor an apology, as well,
for credulously covering a poorly sourced story.
Faith! Congratulations. Well done.
- What the fuck are you doing? - A new low.
Oh, yeah, like I leaked a cocked-up story
about a bastard child who happens to be
the man's fucking niece.
- Please, Gary. - You fed me that bullshit.
You know, go fuck yourself.
- You go fuck yourself. - You go fuck your...
Okay, you two.
Unfortunately, we're gonna have to leave it there.
Thank you so much, Brooke.
- Thank you so much. - Thanks, Brooke.
- Thank you. - We're clear.
Why would I leak this? Huh?
Oh, to just make me take the bait.
You didn't just want to win.
You wanted to castrate me, didn't you?
If I wanted to cut your dick off,
I would have done it in front of you
just to see the last look of horror in your eyes.
You're telling the truth.
No shit.
What the fuck is going on here?
Evan?
What...
Evan.
Evan, oh, my God.
- What's up, Becca? - How the hell are you?
- Hiya. Nice to see you. - Good to see you.
- How's everything? - Yeah, I mean, it's going.
What the hell?
How the hell does he know her?
Is he from here?
Gary, look at his shoes. I mean, really.
And we have Alan to thank for bringing this man
- to our attention. - It's Evan.
Did I happen to mention that...
Holy shit.
- What? What? - Come on!
So, with 100% of the vote counted,
the mayoral race is tied.
One vote to one vote.
No.
Okay, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Hold on. I, uh...
I don't... I don't know exactly
what's going on here, but it's weird.
Could somebody please explain to me
- what's happening? - Well, we had an election.
- Yes, I know that. - And we gave it our best.
Just didn't work out.
Didn't work out, Jack? Come on.
Do you know how much money we invested in this?
Yeah, if the news media is to be believed,
more than $45 million was raised between the two of you.
Oh, shit.
Did you sucker me, Jack?
I guess.
You know what? Folks, sorry,
but I'm getting all that money back.
From where?
We put millions into those PACs.
Well, campaign finance law says
that money needn't be accounted for.
Oh, my God.
I got to give it to this place.
Hey, Alan.
Uh, it's Evan.
Shit weasel.
You're from this town, aren't you?
- Yeah. - You set this whole thing up.
You set me up, huh?
You are so fired, and you're going to jail!
Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
It was me. I did it.
You?
Wh...
Why?
You know...
it was just this weird idea I had
'cause the town needed money.
So you...
Uh, shot the video,
and then had Evan show it to you.
Uh, I...
We needed 750 grand over three years
to keep the school from closing down.
We blew way past that.
We got enough to buy back the base, redevelop it.
And the speech, the viral speech?
Can I get a motion to vote?
Actually, I'm here about that...
Fuck, what's the word? Resolution.
- I'll get it. - Mike, do you want to help him and...
Yeah.
Just have it low enough.
Just leave enough room for that road sign in there.
- Uh, am I supposed to have these on? - No glasses.
I'm lost.
Okay, Dad, that's good,
but you have to leave after.
All right, one more time.
I guess they weren't principles.
They're just hobbies.
Holy shit, I think we got it.
Oh, thank God.
That was really just baiting the hook.
You guys took it from there. I was never expecting her.
Oh, I had a fucking blast.
So you used me.
We used you?
You guys only show up here once every four years,
and only then 'cause it's a swing state.
And then, when it's over, you're gone.
But we're still here
with all the same problems we had before,
just waiting around for you to come back
and make the same empty promises as last time.
We used the system.
You make millions of dollars
funneling tens of millions of dollars
into this election economy.
All we did is take a cut.
Hmm.
Well...
I guess I just...
I thought that maybe you and I had a little something.
I'm 28. I mean...
In what world would this be okay?
D.C. and L.A., parts of New York,
- Miami, maybe Dallas. - Mm.
Look...
- It wasn't personal. - Mm.
It was math.
Math.
But this system, the way we elect people,
it's terrifying.
And exhausting.
And I think it's driving us all insane.
You know what the real problem here
is that the media is completely complicit
- in this sort of thing. - Oh, I absolutely agree.
I mean, it's like Neil Postman said...
in entertaining ourselves,
- news has become entertainment. - Yeah. Yeah.
- And when that happens... it's gone. - Yeah.
I thought he knew. I mean, I would get so nervous
- every time he would come in. I would just, like... - Oh, no.
I couldn't get my coffee order right,
and I was giving him the wrong thing.
Oh, you were great. You were perfect.
Plus, you know, he has, you know,
dreamy eyes a little bit, so, I mean...
- Yeah. - He's-he's dashing.
He actually made me cry.
- He was, like, a shithead. - Yeah.
It metastasizes, so it-it's growing
- and-and whatever, so... - Yeah.
Well, it becomes... it's sort of like
any sort of autoimmune disorder.
- Yeah. - It's like... it's like lupus.
Know what I mean?
That's actually a really great metaphor.
- That's... that's like... - It's a simile.
- 'Cause you said... - 'Cause I said...
- I said it's "like." - You said it's "like."
Yeah, right. It's like lupus.
What a clusterfuck.
Amen.
How we looking?
Well, they're saying these, uh, back acres
are gonna become the over-55 community health center.
- Uh-huh. - Madison has promised
a satellite campus for the front.
Okay. And you know that we have to redo
the septic on the back 50?
- We heard all about it. - Okay.
Hey, you.
Oh, hey, you.
She is something, huh?
Are you listening to me?
Oh, Gary, honey.
I'm just so excited.
I can't wait till we get the café tables in.
I think people are really gonna like those a lot, you know?
- And then we can put the umbrellas up. - Mm-hmm.
And people can just sit outside and have coffee and...
You know.
Are you... are you listening to me?
- Mm-hmm, mm... - Are you listening to me?
Hey, fuckup. Hey, fuckup.
- Are you listening to me? - Yes, yes, yes.
I'm listening to you.
You don't open a dossier for less than $2 million.
I know. That's what I'm talking to them about right now.
$2 million.
God, I hate you.
Ditto.
Gary?
Gary, you there?
Gary?
Yo, Gary.
Ah, cheers!
Colonel Jack Hastings, Deerlaken...
did the media fall for a false narrative
just because it fit into our preconceived notion
of the divide of this country between red and blue
without actually checking the facts?
Were we irresponsible?
Well, we're the news.
Are we not supposed to cover the news?
I mean, these are newsworthy stories.
We're absolutely in the right to cover them.
It is literally our job to cover the news.
But isn't there a way to report the news
without so much speculation,
without a false sense of urgency
that causes us to breathlessly report "facts"
that maybe are not facts?
And are we framing these stories
on an artificial right-left axis
because that's how our pundit economy is set up?
Is there a better way to do this?
I'm just kidding.
Unfortunately, we have to leave it there.
- Thank you all for watching. - She's...
She's good.
♪ Talking like we used to do ♪
♪ It was always me and you ♪
♪ Hold on, darling ♪
♪ This body is yours ♪
♪ This body is yours and mine ♪
♪ Well, hold on, my darling ♪
♪ This mess was yours ♪
♪ Now your mess is mine ♪
♪ Ah-ooh ♪
♪ Your mess is mine ♪
♪ See you in the marketplace... ♪
Could something like this happen?
Legally, this could absolutely happen.
Somebody could create a political organization...
so-called outside group, a super PAC, 527...
raise an unlimited amount of money,
and then choose to give that money
to another organization, a charity,
and use it for public purposes.
And you don't need the donors' consent to do that.
The problem we have is that
none of the pieces of the system are working today.
You have regulators like the Federal Election Commission
that don't have a quorum, can't meet,
and when they do, they disagree on what the law is.
You have Congress deadlocked so it can't rewrite the laws.
You have the Supreme Court
that thinks that almost nothing is corrupt
and that citizens won't think the sale of access...
what the court calls ingratiation
in return for giving money to candidates... is a problem.
So, to sum up, we currently have
hundreds of millions to billions of dollars
that is, uh, uh, untraceable,
uh, that can pour into groups
that are actually coordinating with-with candidates
who end up having to spend a good amount of their time
raising more and more money to keep up
with the arms race that is occurring.
Uh, the money continues to pour in and corrupt
not just where they spend their time
and how they spend their time but on the types of legislation
that they would even bring to the fore.
And the one group that would be charged
with regulating, uh, this spigot, uh, doesn't meet
'cause there aren't enough of them.
Yes.
I realize that's not helpful to you, but...
It is very helpful. Thank you.
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Your mess is mine ♪
♪ Your mess is mine. ♪